You Don't Always Have To Be Okay
by Nikki-Dawn
Summary: "It won't hurt me just once, right? I can stop anytime. I just did." What happens when Mark starts cutting again and Jack is there? Tears, angst, and cute hugs between the boys.
_**Mark was falling, watching the sky move above him in slow motion. He could see the exact moment when each star twinkled brightly, and he was enjoying it. But he was falling, and he didn't like that. He couldn't move to see when the ground would hit- all he could do was watch the sky above him. Then, he hit the ground and everything went black.**_

Or, really, that's when he sat straight up in his bed, coughing and gasping for air. _God damn it, another nightmare?_ He thought to himself as he walked to his bathroom. He knew he wouldn't be getting back to sleep for at least an hour. He turned on his sink and splashed his face with cool water to calm himself down.

 _Splish, splash, I was takin' a bath- BABABABUM._

He chuckled to himself as he pat his face dry with a soft hand towel. He went and laid down on his bed once more, checking his phone. It was nearing 7:45 in the morning, and Jack would be here in just a few hours. Ryan and Matt were out of town, visiting Daniel's family, so it would just be the two of them. They were to have a gaming marathon with pizza and beer (soda for himself, as he couldn't drink with his heart condition), so he needed a good amount of sleep beforehand.

But after lying in bed for another hour, he knew he wouldn't get back to sleep before he was supposed to go pick Jack up from the airport. So he got up and dressed (making sure to let Chica out beforehand) to eat and record a quick vlog instead;

" _Hey guys, Markiplier here. I'm just recording a quick little video before I leave to go get Jack from the airport. Videos should still be up on time today, but if they're going to be late I'll let you know through Twitter and Facebook. Jack should be landing in about an hour and I've already got a ton of the stuff we need to have an AWESOME gaming marathon, so expect some videos with Jack to be posted in the next couple of days. Don't forget, we've got another charity livestream coming up in May, and that will be going out to support the_ _ **Brain and Behavior Research Foundation**_ _. I'll try to put a link to their website in the description below, but if I forget like the stupid idiot I am-"_ he laughed at himself _"-you can easily google the charity. Matt, Ryan, Bob, and Wade should all be participating in the livestream in some way, shape, or form. Thank you guys so much for watching, and as always, I'll see you in the next video. Bye-bye!"_

He ended the video and went to upload it to YouTube, actually remembering to put the website link in the description. ( /) He looked at the time and, seeing that there was only an hour and a half until Jack's plane was to land, he grabbed his keys and left the house.

 _ **Need sleep. Can't function another full day without a good, solid rest. If I fall asleep tonight and have another nightmare, Jack will surely find out. Ryan and Matt still don't know, though, so maybe not. No one can find out. I'm okay, I just need more sleep.**_

 _ **I ' y.**_

"Mark!" He was pulled out of his thoughts by a voice he could recognize from anywhere. It helped that he was so loud.

"Jack, welcome to LA!" The two friends hugged.

"I've been here before, Mark." He laughed, picking up his stuff from where he dropped it to hug the red-haired man.

"I know, but it's usually for panels. Now you're here, on a vacation, to play games with yours truly!" He smiled widely, though Jack noticed that it wasn't as genuine as it normally looked. "Anyways, let's go. I've done all of the setting up; I've pre-ordered pizza, wings, and Chinese, the house is full of beer and coke, AND we have games galore!"

"Awesome!" He grinned. Mark was great with planning these kinds of things. He never ceased to amaze his friends.

"I try." He laughed. He really hoped that Jack meant that, and wasn't secretly weirded out by his over-planning. He pushed that thought away, though, as he didn't want to freak out about it. But as he pushed that thought away, he opened his mind to others- and he was soon lost in the swirling abyss of his dark thoughts.

"Mark? Mark?" Jack was suddenly in front of him, looking up at him.

"Huh?" Mark shook his head, feeling foggy.

"Dude, ya zoned out for a few minutes. Did ya hear a word I said?" Jack asked, looking at Mark worriedly. He knew what the answer was going to be.

"No, sorry." Mark said, looking down at his feet and rubbing his neck. He felt bad for not listening to the green-haired Irish man. "I'm feeling pretty tired." He admitted to Jack.

"Did ya get any sleep last night?" Jack prompted as they continued their walk to Mark's car.

"Nah, not really. I had a lot on my mind." He said. _It wasn't a complete lie_ , Mark said to himself. _I just don't want him to worry about me, that's all._

"Are ya okay? I can drive, if ya want." Jack asked him. Mark nodded and smiled.

"Yeah, of course! I was just trying to make sure everything was ready for you, that's all. Besides, if you drive here you'll get us into an accident because everything is so opposite over there in Ireland. Don't worry a little green hair off your head! That's what makes your green hairs turn grey, you know." He laughed, though halfheartedly.

Jack wasn't near convinced, but he let it go in hopes that Mark would talk to him later. "Hey, grey hair jokes aren't funny!" He said, laughing anyways as they got to his car.

Mark forced out a laugh. He knew Jack wasn't convinced that he was okay, but he was grateful that Jack had let it go. Hopefully he wouldn't ask again.

Once they got home, Mark was in a much better mood. They had plugged in Mark's phone and played Ninja Sex Party, jamming out for the relatively short 30 minute ride. They had a great time, and they were both looking forward to their weekend together.

Mark unlocked the door and helped Jack with his bags.

"Matt and Ryan aren't here, so you get your choice in rooms. They don't mind if you stay in their rooms as long as you don't make a complete mess."

Jack gasped loudly and but his hand to his chest. "Me!? I would never!" Mark laughed, a sweet, loud, genuine laugh. It made Jack's eyes brighten. Maybe Mark had been telling the truth after all- maybe he really was just tired.

30 minutes later, just as he finished getting situated in Matt's room- and taping a picture up of a guy throwing up in a bathtub in his closet- he heard the doorbell ring. He left the room and went to go see who it was, but Mark had already shut the door. He did have some warm pizzas in his hand, though, and Jack knew exactly who had been there.

"Aww yeah! This mean we can start our epic night of gamin'?" Jack said, smiling widely.

"We just have to wait for the Chinese food to get here. I've got everything set up in the studio. You're all settled in?" Mark asked, setting the pizza on the counter.

"Yup! I'm ready as soon as ya are." Jack grinned, grabbing a slice of sausage and pepperoni pizza from the box.

They had played 4 games and recorded them all, only finishing at two in the morning. Two videos were to go on Jack's channel, and two on Mark's.

"That was awesome!" Jack exclaimed about their final game. It was a two-player horror game called Rose Red, and it was about a dead teenager named Rose who came back to haunt those who bullied her in the past. The goal of the game was to put her to rest by helping her kill the people who killed her.

"Yeah, it was a really good game. We'll have to put written warnings up about self-harm triggers, suicide triggers, and possible seizures."

"Yeah, just in case they skip through tha intro." Jack agreed, nodding his head. He yawned loudly and ran his hands through his hair. "Whelp, I got some sleep to catch up on. You'd better go to bed soon, too. We've got those challenge videos to do with Mathias, right?" Mark nodded. "Awesome! This is gonna be great." Jack grinned. "Nightie night!" He said, half waving to Mark and going to his room.

Mark shook his head and rubbed his face. Rose Red had really taken a toll on him, more than he'd like to admit. It was gory and violent, things that he usually loves in a game, but it was different this time. This time it was self-mutilation, cuts all over her body and soon all over yours. Mark shook his head. _No, not your body. Your character's body._ But in his mind he saw what he's already seen before, and that was himself.

He went to his room and grabbed the pocket knife from his drawer. _It won't hurt me just once, right? I can stop anytime. I just did._ And that was true. He had been 'clean' for 8 months now. He cut to help the pain, the sorrow, from getting to deep for him to crawl up out of. He cut to help himself. Until 8 months ago, that is, when Daniel had killed himself and he realized the amount of damage something like this could do. He stopped then and there, cold turkey. But now it was different. Now he was starting to understand why he did it.

So he took his jeans off and sat on his bed, in his boxers and T-shirt only, and inspected his legs. There must have been a hundred scars on his thighs. After all, he never wore shorts. The largest scar was his favorite. It sounded sick, but it was. It was just by the femoral artery, swiping vertical rather than his usual horizontal alongside the artery.

He took out his pocket knife and grabbed the first aid kit from under his bed and took out antiseptic wipe, running it across his blade carefully. He wouldn't risk infection, he couldn't.

He positioned his knife just above the old scar. What if he moved to the right, just a bit over? He looked it up before, it would only take about 10 minutes to die, give or take. He'd pass out within the first 3 minutes, at the most.

There was a sudden knocking at his door just as he began to move the knife, and the door burst open.

"Hey, Mark, where's your-" Jack stopped dead in his tracks, his hand still outstretched from where he opened the door. "Mark?"

Mark didn't look up from where he sat, but if you had seen his face under his red hair you would have seen the tears of embarrassment that trekked down his face. Why did Jack have to find him at his weakest moment?

"Mark, please. Put it down." Jack's voice was soft, and sad. Mark instinctively looked up. He hated to hear his friends upset.

"Why?" Mark's voice was hoarse, and not because he'd just done four videos with Jack. He couldn't speak right. He was just so tired… He looked back down to see his hand had lowered to have the blade resting on his thigh.

"Mark, I swear to whatever God ya believe in, if ya don't take that knife off 'a your skin right now I'll-" He stopped himself short.

"You'll what, Jack?" He whispered, looking up with a sad yet angry look in his eye. "You'll kill me?"

"Mark! Stop it!" He stepped towards Mark and reached out for him, tears openly running down his red cheeks, as the blade drew across Mark's leg. It wasn't a shallow cut, but it wasn't near as bad as it could have been. He missed his femoral artery on purpose.

"Jack, don't come any closer." He said loudly. He took a deep breath. "Please." His voice cracked and Jack saw the tears drop off his chin and onto his leg.

"Mark… Please, I know what you're goin' through."

"Do you? Do you really?" Mark said, almost hissing. "Do you wake up every day hating yourself? Do you hate waking up in the morning knowing that you couldn't do anything to save the people you loved? _WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT DEPRESSION_!?"

"Damn it, Mark!" Jack was openly sobbing now, and Mark came to the realization just before Jack spoke. "I do know about depression. I know how it feels, wakin' up each morning to self-hatred and knowin' that ya couldn't save the people ya love. And I've done the same thing you're doin' now." He wiped his eyes. "I sat there, in tha same position ya sittin' now, 8 months ago, and I was ready ta' go. Then, ya called me. Started talkin about how ya wanted me to come for a weekend. Then ya started talking about how everythin's been different since Daniel…" He wiped his eyes again and sniffled.

Mark finally looked up from his bloody leg. _What are you saying, Jack?_

"I found somethin' small, so seemin'ly small to live for. But it wasn't small, it just took somethin' small to realize how big it was. It was ye, and my friends, and my family, and my fans. And all it took was ye, falling apart over the phone 'cause 'a Daniel. And I didn't… I thought about how people may react like that when I'm gone, and I didn't want that for the people I cared for." Mark didn't realize how close Jack had gotten to him until he was sitting on the bed, gently prying the knife away from Mark's leg and wrapping his red hoodie around the wound. "Now, ya gotta realize that, too, ya hear? Ya gotta realize that you're not alone. Ya gotta remember how you felt when Daniel died and realize that's how other people are gonna feel. And ya gotta remember that you're not who ya think ya are. You might think you're weak and pathetic and not worth a cent, but ya _are_ , Mark, you're worth _much more than you'll ever know_. But ya gotta know this, Mark, ya just gotta. Please." Mark wrapped his arms around Jack and held his small body close.

"I'm sorry, Jack, I'm _so fucking sorry_." Mark sobbed with Jack. But yet, through the sadness and the fear, he knew that Jack was right. He'd be okay if he just remembered that he's not as he thinks. And he just has to remember all of that. But what if he can't?

"And Mark…" He let Jack go so they could look each other in the eye. "Ya don't always have to be okay. If ya need me, just call me. For Christ's sake, man, ya aren't alone."

Mark nodded. "I know, Jack… Thank you."


End file.
